


genie

by rewindmp3



Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M, oh also depression and graphic nightmares, this is super dark fyi, tws for suicidal thoughts and abuse (emotional and implied physical)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-13 23:17:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11770515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rewindmp3/pseuds/rewindmp3
Summary: it all happened exactly as planned and jaebum gave mark exactly what he wished for, in the end(inspired by the GOT7 murder mystery game #PROVEIT on twitter, bymarktvnandwangjeons)





	1. pre.

It all starts with an email.

 

Mark’s hands tremble as he reads Jackson’s words on the screen, “everything is booked! here’s your ticket, can’t wait <3”

 

Mark closes his eyes, wishing the words not to be real, wishing that he weren’t real, or that he hadn’t done this to Jackson, at the very least.

 

Next comes the Skype call.

 

Mark hears the tell-tale incoming video chat request ring and flinches.

 

An email and a Skype call, and that’s the beginning of Mark realizing that he’s had enough and wants out.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a super super short prologue, but i've been really busy and haven't had time to work on the main portion :( i felt bad so here's this short little teaser i guess loll


	2. granted.

“How are you doing, honey? You look pale.”

 

Mark laughs weakly at his mother’s observation when the Skype call connects and his parents’ faces pop up on his screen.

 

“I’m fine, mom. Just a little stressed, is all. I have a swim-”

 

“Oh, I wish you would stop that trivial sport. See, look how anxious it’s making you when you should be focusing on your studies! Didn’t you say that you have midterms coming up soon? You know you mustn’t drop from first in your class. How else do you expect to replace your father as CEO when the time comes? We certainly can’t have anything less; it would be quite embarrassing. Not that I doubt your abilities, dear, but you know how important it is for you to maintain your ranking and with all of your… distractions… we worry for you.”

 

Mark winces to himself, but it’s not anything he wasn’t already expecting. He can’t really explain it, how the way his parents fret over him makes him feel. They aren’t the textbook definition of verbally abusive and they’ve paved the way for a good life for Mark, but on their terms only. Anything else, and their words are like roses: seemingly soft (laced with care and concern), but hiding dangerous thorns (barbed wire made to cut and hurt). He thinks he should be appreciative for all that his parents have done for him, but instead, thinking about them feels like he’s suffocating, trapped inside a glass box as they poke and prod at him to make him do things, with no way to escape. This, in turn, causes him to feel a crushing amount of guilt for resenting his parents’ hard work, and then he’s caught in a whirlwind of fear, pressure, and bitterness that makes him sick to his stomach.

 

When the call disconnects, after countless promises that he won’t let his time swimming impact his grades and that he really is putting his utmost effort into his school work, Mark exhales in relief. A quick glance at the clock tells him that he’s got a little over two hours until his tutoring session with Yugyeom—not enough time to go to the pool, warm up, swim a couple of laps, shower, get dressed again, and go back to the dorms to get his things, but enough to calm his frayed nerves with a joint.

 

He hates that he relies on weed like a damned crutch, but it helps, it really does. Mark knows that Youngjae _despises_ when he smokes, that Jackson and Jaebum both disapprove, and maybe they’d accept it more if he explained why he smokes so much, but he _can’t_.

 

Jaebum asked him about it once, but Mark merely shrugged his shoulders and brushed off the question by replying, “I don’t know. I just enjoy being high, I guess.” He wasn’t about to tell Jaebum that sometimes lighting up is the only thing that keeps him from falling apart at the seams. For all the pain that he causes, Mark doesn’t think he deserves the worry. Jaebum has enough on his plate as it is.

 

Mark hops in the shower and brushes his teeth quickly before heading out to meet Yugyeom. He knows the younger kid adores him, and he doesn’t want to set a bad example. He fucks up too many people’s lives already.

 

 

 

He’s reminded of this when he’s nestled under a thin blanket in Jaebum’s room playing Overwatch and his best friend asks, “How’s everything going with Jackson?”

 

Game-Mark nearly shoots himself in the foot as real-life-Mark mumbles, “Everything’s fine.”

 

Real-life-Jaebum doesn’t buy Mark’s bullshit, pausing the game with a “Mark. What’s wrong?”

 

A lifetime of being friends with Jaebum has taught Mark when to pick and choose his battles, so he heaves a sigh and begrudgingly answers, “He bought me plane tickets to China to meet his parents.”

“What? Isn’t that a good thing? Why do you seem so upset?”

“I just… I don’t think I’m ready to meet his parents yet.”

 

Jaebum hums in understanding and drops the subject, sensing that Mark didn’t want to talk about it anymore. The screen suddenly shuts off and Jaebum rises from his seat, disappearing. As he watches Jaebum leave the room, Mark feels guilty about his answer. It’s the truth, but nowhere near the whole truth. This little secret is made abundantly evident to Mark when Jaebum returns with a steaming mug of Mark’s favorite tea and a reassuring smile on his face. After so many years, Mark thinks that he should be able to ignore the quickening of his pulse when their fingers touch briefly and the overwhelming warmth in his chest when Jaebum smiles at him, but he can’t. At least he can blame the warm tea for his flushed cheeks.

 

He leaves before Jinyoung gets back to avoid an uncomfortable, awkward confrontation in which Mark will try to be nice and Jinyoung will be stonily polite. Mark knows why Jinyoung hates him and he understands it, he truly does. He’d give Jinyoung the first place ranking in a heartbeat if he could, if what his parents would think or say or do to him didn’t frighten him half to death.

 

Jackson calls as Mark walks back to his dorm. The excited, delighted lilt of Jackson’s voice as he asks if the ticket confirmation forwarded correctly and as he talks about how excited he is to go back to China to introduce his boyfriend to his parents breaks Mark’s heart. Mark tries as gently as he can to dissuade Jackson from the idea and to suggest returning the tickets, or at least the one meant for Mark, but Jackson is adamant. No matter how many times over the next few days Jackson calls or ambushes Mark during breaks in his schedule, Mark tries. He gets less and less gentle about turning down the offer (“Look, I appreciate that want me to meet your parents, but are you sure about this?” “I really think you should get a refund for the ticket you bought for me.” “Seriously, Jackson, I’m not ready to meet your parents yet!”), but when Jackson presses as to why, the only thing Mark can say without lying completely is that he isn’t ready.

 

Every night over the next few days goes like this: Mark gets back from the pool or his last class or tutoring Yugyeom or the library or Jaebum’s room and is immediately accosted by his parents over Skype. They ask him if he’s eaten yet (he hasn’t and they know this because they made him send them his schedule and they call the minute he gets back to his room), complain about the fact that he’s still on the swim team (“And captain no less! All of your time will be eaten up! Are you sure staying is wise? Think about your career!”), and interrogate him about how studying is going. Their nagging always picks up before midterms, and Mark slumps under the weight of their questions. He hangs up with his parents, eats a hurried dinner with Youngjae, studies a bit more, plays with Coco if he can, then apprehensively stares at his phone, waiting for it to ring. It always rings and it’s always Jackson and they always argue about the same thing. Mark showers and climbs under his covers exhausted, but he can’t sleep. He never can.

 

The guilt comes first.

 

Because the last thing that happens before he showers is a phone call with Jackson, it’s the first thing that comes to Mark’s mind when his head hits the pillow. He feels so _sorry_ every time they hang up because he always ends up snapping at Jackson, who doesn’t deserve it. Typically, six months into a relationship is a reasonable time to meet the parents, but Mark can’t and Jackson just doesn’t get it. It doesn’t help that Mark refuses to say anything other than he doesn’t think the time is right. But how is he supposed to tell Jackson that he doesn’t love him back? That he loves someone else? That he started dating Jackson because he knew how much Jackson cared for him and thought he could love Jackson in the same way Jackson loves him, eventually, given time, but it’s been _six fucking months_ and Mark loves Jaebum even more than before he got himself into this mess in the first place. Mark knows how much Jackson loves him and it makes him feel so much worse for everything he’s done.

 

Then, the blame comes like a storm, each thought a lightning strike to Mark’s heart.

 

He hates himself for hurting Jackson. He hates himself for loving Jaebum. He hates himself because he knows he hurts Jaebum, even if his best friend will never admit it. He hates that Jaebum’s parents constantly compare their son to him. He’s heard the phone calls when Jaebum thought he was sleeping where Jaebum admits, “Yes, Mark did score higher than me. I’m sorry. I know you’re disappointed in me.” He sees the bruises and cuts that decorate Jaebum’s skin like a Jackson Pollock painting when they get back to campus after a break or when Jaebum’s parents come to visit. Mark hates that he’s the reason for Jaebum’s suffering, and he hates himself even more for not being strong enough to stay away.

 

Mark guesses that if he had cut ties with Jaebum when they were younger, when he first recognized the signs of abuse and first realized that it was all because of _him_ , the “perfect” child, Jaebum wouldn’t be in pain. Mark also guesses that the seeds of abhorrence towards him have started to sprout in Jaebum’s heart. Mark knows Jaebum loves him like a brother (and there’s another thing Mark hates, that Jaebum would never and could never possibly love Mark the way Mark loves him, but Mark understands because how could you love the very source of your agony?), but that love won’t stop the revulsion from growing.

 

He’s tried to remove himself from Jaebum’s life. Mark is cancer, rooted in Jaebum’s organs and dangerous if not carved out properly. But Mark is a business major, not a pre-med student; his attempts at surgery are messy and half-hearted at best because he’s drawn to Jaebum like a moth is drawn to flame and if that analogy were true, then Mark would be the most weak-willed moth and Jaebum would be the brightest flame. So every second they spend together, Mark knows he’s running on borrowed time, racing against the ticking clock of Jaebum’s resentment and eventual hatred.

 

Tears run in rivers down Mark’s cheeks but he doesn’t cry out. Not anymore.

 

At some point, Mark falls into a fitful sleep. In his nightmares, he sees his parents throwing him into the water. It’s utter bliss before the electric shock hits, or the poison seeps into his skin, or a shark sinks its teeth into his torso. The scene changes and Jackson’s chest is bloody and open, his heart missing, his ribs broken. In a porcelain bowl on a metal table, Jackson’s still-beating heart sits. Mark rushes to save Jackson, but Jackson merely looks at him, confused, wondering why Mark is trying to put his heart back in the cavity of his chest when Mark was the one who removed it in the first place. Jackson collapses at Mark’s feet and the scene changes again. Mark is in a pressed suit. Sometimes the suit is jet black (a Western custom) and other times it is as white as unmarred snow (an East Asian custom). Mark makes slow, careful steps towards the casket in the center of the room and peers down. He is met with Jaebum’s resting face. His chest constricts at the sight. Mark can see clearly the twin moles above Jaebum’s left eye and he reaches his hand out to smooth a thumb over the beauty marks, but before he can touch, a door bangs open and a sea of people, led by Jaebum’s parents, are suddenly shouting. “This is all your fault! You called yourself his best friend? What a joke! You killed him! Jaebum is dead because of you!”

 

Mark jolts awake in a cold sweat, pulse pounding and breathing heavy.

 

He’s gotten used to this cycle by now, after years of it, but the nightmares always manage to make his heart race. He peels his blanket back and drags himself to the bathroom to shower. It shouldn't take this much energy. He pats a little bit of concealer under his eyes, practices a smile in the mirror, greets Youngjae cheerfully, and nobody ever knows that his bones feel like they’re made of lead or that his thoughts feel as thick as molasses. That’s the thing about high-functioning depression. Nobody ever knows. They never even suspect.

 

And that’s exactly how Mark wants it, even if it kills him.

 

 

 

The fifth day after Jackson’s e-mail is when Mark breaks.

 

He’s in the locker rooms of the pool, changing from his warm-up clothes into his swim trunks, when his phone lights up with a notification. He glances at it quickly, intending to ignore it, but then he sees that it’s an e-mail from Jaebum, so he slings his towel around his shoulders and sits down on the bench to check the notification.

 

“released another track with paradise, check it out,” Mark reads and he almost drops his phone in his haste to find his earbuds. They’re still a tangled mess, but Mark doesn’t have time to straighten them out, opting to leave the wires in a knot under his chin.

 

The song is called “Fade Away” and is absolutely amazing, as always. Jaebum has been composing songs for a while and each song is better than the last. Mark can’t focus too much on understanding or registering the lyrics right now, but the melody is hauntingly beautiful. Jaebum’s voice is clear and sharp and full of emotion; Mark couldn’t be more proud.

 

He shoots off a text to Jaebum as soon as he’s done listening, fingers flying across the keyboard as his coach yells at him to hurry up because he’s the damn captain, “In the middle of practice right now, so I can’t rave about it more, but the song is incredible!! I’m so proud of you!!” As soon as he sees that the message has been delivered, Mark tosses his phone back in his locker and sprints towards the pool, anxious to be in the water.

 

After practice is over, Mark heads back to his dorm. (When he passes Jinyoung on the way out of the door, he doesn’t miss the detestation in Jinyoung’s eyes, and although Mark has tried to dull himself to the reaction, it still hurts, really it does.) He tosses his backpack on his bed as soon as he reaches his room. His body follows soon after and he stares at the ceiling for five minutes, eyes unblinking and unseeing. Mark is exhausted and drained from the day; he kind of wants to take a nap and never wake up from it, but he doesn’t because he knows the nightmares that await him when he sleeps and because he wants to listen to Jaebum’s song more closely.

 

Mark finally reaches for his backpack and extracts his laptop. He ignores the messages that pop up (this time, they're all from Bambam, threatening Mark and demanding that he leave Yugyeom alone and Mark really can't deal with that right now) in favor of pulling up Jaebum’s e-mail.

 

Youngjae isn't home so there's no need to dig around and find his earbuds or headphones (he’s too tired to, anyways). Mark presses play, closes his eyes, and focuses on the lyrics this time rather than the melody.

 

He finds he regrets that decision, when all the words process and he translates them in his head from Korean to English (still the language he’s most comfortable speaking, despite years in South Korea). He finds that “Fade Away” is not by any means a happy song, but rather a sad, angry song about two people fighting, about one person (Jaebum?) feeling lost and sick and unable to speak all because of this person (these people?) he is supposed to love. Jaebum writes of a dried up heart, of misplaced blame, and of never wanting to see someone again and Mark thinks that all of this—all of the frustration and antipathy and hostility—is a message for him.

 

The song stops and Mark’s mind is whirring. He thinks that this song might be for Jaebum’s parents. Mark can imagine that Jaebum’s parents’ eyes turn cold when the topic of grades comes up, can guess that they blame Jaebum himself for not surpassing Mark (when it’s Mark’s parents to blame although Mark will tell you that it’s his fault), can assume that they don’t listen to any justifications on Jaebum’s part, instead continuing to berate and beat their son. Mark knows that Jaebum is bound by loyalty and love, even towards those who don’t deserve it (like Mark). Jaebum would want to do anything in his power to please is parents, but no matter what he does, they don’t care.

 

And isn’t this all Mark’s doing? Mark loves Jaebum so much—too much—but it’s worth absolutely nothing when he’s tearing Jaebum to shreds. (And the repercussions of Jaebum’s parents’ actions aren’t Mark’s fault, not really, but when has the optimistic, rational part of the brain ever triumphed over its pessimistic, irrational counterpart? Especially when it comes to something like love.)

 

He’s the one Jaebum is constantly compared to, he’s the selfish one who can’t cut himself from Jaebum’s life, he’s the reason why Jaebum suffers, he’s the cause of the pain so clearly laced throughout Jaebum’s voice as he sings this hauntingly beautiful song.

 

After he listens to “Fade Away” for the second time, Mark knows what he has to do to make everything better. To make everyone’s hurt go away.

 

Mark knows it’d be better for everyone if he were gone. He can’t be here anymore, in the world of the living.

 

10 days.

 

10 days is enough time to sort everything out and maybe help some of the people he cares about before he goes.

 

10 days.

 

 

 

Mark’s priority is Jaebum, of course. He makes sure to study with Jaebum every chance he gets before midterms, so Jaebum can finally make his parents proud without the shadow of Mark to worry about. He makes sure to send Jaebum all of his study guides and explain fully all the concepts Jaebum has a hard time understanding.

 

He takes care of the other people he's affected, too. He breaks up with Jackson three days later; Mark can't lie to Jackson any longer, although he can't exactly tell Jackson the truth either (both truths as to why they're breaking up: Mark’s feelings for Jaebum and how he's supposed to die in 7 days). He starts urging the head coach to extend Jinyoung’s individual practice time so that it mirrors Mark's. He sends Youngjae an old business plan because his roommate asked him for his help a few hours before the assignment was due and it was the only thing Mark could think of that would guarantee Youngjae finishing by the deadline. He starts to tutor Yugyeom with more rigor (but never for more time because Mark doesn't want to piss off Bambam even more than he already has what with Yugyeom idolizing him and all. That's another problem with his life, Mark realizes: people either hate him or love him too much. Yugyeom loved Mark too much, so Bambam hated him. Jinyoung hated him because Mark was better, but he couldn’t tell Jinyoung he didn’t have a choice and if they could both be first, or if Jinyoung could be first instead, Mark would gladly see it happen. Jaebum loved Mark so much that love eventually turned to hate.)

 

What Mark doesn’t expect, though, is for everything to start suddenly going downhill on the day he's supposed to die.

 

His morning goes relatively smoothly. Mark gets to the campus library before his math class, just to double check that he hasn’t missed any important books as he was studying with Jaebum for midterms. He pulls some titles from the shelves, skimming through them and making notes of which ones he thinks Jaebum will find useful.

 

He has math and lunch with Jaebum, and Mark thinks he’s doing a pretty good job of acting like everything’s fine, but one glimpse of Jaebum’s face tells him otherwise. Jaebum has always managed to read Mark better than other people, even Mark’s parents, and the look he wears all morning is one of suspicion. It’s a look Mark is quite familiar with, actually. It says, “I know something is wrong but I don’t actually know what and you’re acting like everything is fine, so I won’t comment on it until it seems to stress you out significantly, but just so you know, I’m on to you.”

 

To be fair, Mark thinks there’s something a little off about Jaebum this morning, too. He’s more fidgety than usual and he keeps blinking really hard, a tell-tale sign of nerves. Like Jaebum, Mark doesn't ask his best friend what's wrong, instead peeking over with worry when he thinks Jaebum isn't looking.

 

It could just because of the upcoming midterms, though that's not likely. But both Mark and Jaebum are like this, refusing to share their concerns unless the pressure builds so much they have no choice but to vent out the steam. Or, of course, they recognize when the other is about to reach a breaking point and then force a much-needed conversation. Neither thinks the other is staring down a dangerous precipice this time, so the concern goes unvoiced in favor of concerned glances.

 

They separate at 1:00pm, when Mark has his section of business and Jaebum doesn't. The parting has a note of finality to it—on Mark’s side, anyways, because he doesn't think he'll see Jaebum again today, or ever. Maybe Jaebum notices too because, instead of their customary send-off of a wave and promises to text or hang out later, they hug when they part. Mark lingers because he doesn't want to let go, not really, but he knows this is for the best. This is the only thing he can do to ensure Jaebum's future happiness and peace of mind.

 

Jaebum gives him a weird look, but doesn't comment and Mark enters the lecture hall, his heart heavy.

 

Normally, Mark would be fully focused with his phone on silent and stowed away in his backpack and his head bent over a notebook, hand moving furiously across the page to catch everything the professor is saying. Today is different. He won't need to know any of this information, so he lets his mind wander and plays with his phone. 

 

That means he immediately sees Youngjae’s Instagram direct messages about the Snapchat dog filter and doing the same with Coco. Mark laughs quietly to himself and responds quickly, also asking about the assignment he helped Youngjae with. He hopes, for Youngjae’s sake, that nobody will notice. He begins to talk about more trivial things about his day, like how Bambam glared at him during lunch. The Instagram post that Youngjae directs Mark to in response has Mark a little wary. Yugyeom’s never really dedicated a post to him before, and the fact that he knew so much about Mark’s schedule when Mark knows he’s never mentioned it before is kind of creepy.

 

Speaking of Yugyeom and Bambam, Mark sees Bambam’s threatening text messages telling him to stay away from Yugyeom as well. Each time Bambam texts him, it's more aggressive than the last. Mark furrows his brows in confusion at both conversations; he could never see Yugyeom as anything more than a younger brother, and while he knows the younger boy looks up to him, he's never given Yugyeom any mixed signals. Hell, they've never even hung out together except for tutoring. Mark tries to respond to Bambam’s messages as best as he can, but honestly, he's over it.

 

He arrives to tutoring with Yugyeom at 2:00pm exhausted from his text conversations with Youngjae and Bambam. Yugyeom is running a few minutes late, so Mark makes sure to text Jaebum quickly about the bruise he saw a few days ago. Mark wasn't supposed to find out about the bruise; Jaebum had been wearing long sleeves and pants even in the summer heat to conceal it, but one careless cat-stretch while they were studying was enough for Mark to see. He had asked Jaebum about it, right then and there in a whisper in the middle of the library, and after a brief look of surprise, Jaebum's face wiped clean of emotion as he readjusted his clothes and brushed Mark off. Mark knows that Jaebum's parents were the ones who were responsible—Jaebum would never let anyone else ever away with doing something like that, except maybe Mark. He made sure to let Jaebum know that he couldn’t keep letting his parents do this to him (honestly, every time Mark thinks about it, he shakes with anger), but once Mark is gone, all the abuse should stop.

 

Yugyeom announces his entrance with a breathless, “Mark-hyung! I’m so sorry I’m late! I really didn’t mean to, but-”

 

Mark interrupts with a tsk, reassuring Yugyeom not to worry about it and that it was only a few minutes anyways. The tutoring session goes as usual, although Mark itches to check the messages and calls that made his phone buzz against his pocket around half an hour into the lesson. He hopes it’s Jaebum, finally trusting Mark enough to tell him about the bruise or maybe something else, but he knows that’s just a fantasy. Mark is more rigorous and more detached with Yugyeom this session, partly because of Youngjae and Bambam and partly because Mark knows that this tutoring session will be their last.

 

This thought stays with Mark during the two hours with Yugyeom. He isn't quite sure how to bring it up or how he can avoid talking about what he plans to do tonight. Yugyeom shouldn't have to know and Mark would never tell him in the first place. They end a little before 4:00pm and, when they're packing up their bags, Mark mentions that he can't tutor Yugyeom anymore. Predictably, Yugyeom is shocked. He reaches for Mark’s arm, presumably to get Mark to stay and explain himself, but Mark artfully dodges Yugyeom’s outstretched hand and hurries away, saying, “I'm really sorry. I know this is sudden, but I just can't be your tutor anymore. And I have to go now because I have practice soon. I'm sorry.”

 

Mark hightails it out of Yugyeom’s sight and makes his way back to his dorm. On the way, he checks the notifications that were blowing up his phone for the first hour of tutoring. None of them were from Jaebum. Instead, they’re all from Jackson, begging for Mark to talk to him.

 

Jackson is the only person Mark can’t figure out how to help properly. He doesn’t know how to tell Jackson the truth, how to excuse his behavior, or how to even begin to apologize to someone so sweet and pure. Instead, Mark has been systematically avoiding every single one of Jackson’s phone calls, text messages, direct messages across all social platforms, and even e-mails. Mark takes alternate routes to his classes because he knows Jackson still waits for him at certain cross streets sometimes, because that's what Jaebum told him. 

 

So Mark does what he’s been doing and, laden with guilt, steadfastly ignores all of Jackson’s pleas.

 

When he's at the entrance of his dorm building, his phone lights up with Instagram direct notifications, all from Yugyeom asking why Mark can't be his tutor anymore. Mark answers vaguely at first, telling Yugyeom that he's getting busier and has other things to tend to, but when Yugyeom keeps pressing, Mark gets frustrated. His answers are cold and he even mentions Bambam’s disgust towards him. Mark has never liked lying and at least this answer is partially true—if he were still to be here after tonight, Bambam's behavior probably would've lead Mark to stop tutoring Yugyeom eventually. 

 

He arrives to his room drained, dropping face-first into his bed as soon as he kicks his shoes off and throws his backpack to the side. 

 

The quietude is short-lived, however, when Youngjae comes back a few minutes later, completely frazzled.

 

The door shuts with a slam, jolting Mark from what would have been a much-needed nap.

 

He lifts his head up, blinking blearily, and calls out, “Youngjae? Is that you? Is everything okay?”

 

Youngjae, with a distressed look on his face, runs a hand through his hair.

 

“No, actually, I'm freaking the fuck out right now!”

“Why? What happened?”

“I just got an e-mail from my business professor about the assignment I just turned in. They _know_ , Mark! You have to help me!”

 

Mark sits up on his bed, uncomfortable.

 

“How… how do you expect me to help you?”

“I don't know! Can you confess or something? That you gave it to me and told me to hand it in?”

 

Mark freezes. If he did that, he would tarnish whatever good reputation his grades had earned him in his parents’ eyes. He can't. He can't screw that up right before he's about to leave. He can't disappoint his parents and then die. They would never forgive him. _He_ would never forgive him. Mark wants to help Youngjae, but he _can't_ upset his parents. And how much would the word of a dead boy be worth, anyways?

 

“Well… I mean that isn't the truth either, is it? You were the one who asked for my help in the first place…”

“Yeah, but you were the one who gave me your old assignment!”

“But that was only because you asked me for help the night before your assignment was due with a practically blank first draft…. What else was I supposed to do?”

“Mark, please! You're, like, the star of the university and you've never done anything wrong! They'd probably let you off if you just fess up for me!”

 

Mark can hear the desperation in Youngjae’s voice, but it quite honestly pales in comparison to the sirens going off in Mark's head, telling him: _You've spent your whole life disappointing your parents who have done nothing but provide for you. Will you really repay them like this? And then die right after so you can't fix it? Don't you know what they'd do?_ And that fear trumps everything. It always has.

 

“Look, Youngjae, I want to help, but you can't ask me to do this for you. I have a perfect record and I can't mess that up. Ask me to do anything else, and I'll try, but this I can't do for you.”

“Are you kidding me? Mark, you know I could lose my scholarship over this! And I can't afford to go to this university otherwise! This is just as much your fault as it is mine!”

 

At this, Mark’s heart breaks. He thought he was helping, and here Youngjae is, possibly on the brink of expulsion. But his _parents_. Thinking about how this would affect their lives is enough to send Mark on the verge of panic. It's not even because he loves them. (Quite truthfully, Mark isn't sure if he loves his parents. Respect, yes; fear, absolutely; but love? The only love he's sure of in his life is the love he has for his best friend. All of the positive emotions he feels for other people can't compare.) It’s because, over the years, their words have made Mark feel so small that the possibility of another round of lectures, of more hours of degradation and thinly veiled jabs at his intellect and his character, sends Mark into almost paralytic alarm.

 

So, after a few moments of tense silence in which Mark forces himself into an unnatural state of emotionlessness and stoicism, he responds, “No offense, Youngjae, but it's your fault that you got caught. Yeah, I gave you my old business plan, but it was up to you to use it and change it to help you finish your assignment. I won't take the blame for you. I'm sorry.”

 

And with that, Mark stands up from his bed. He grabs his gym bag from his desk chair and moves around a frozen-in-shock Youngjae to head out to swim team practice. Right before he shuts the door, Mark hears Youngjae angrily toss the sheet music that had been in his hand to the floor as he curses. Mark flinches. Hopefully being in the water will help him forget, for a bit, about all of the mess he's created. If not, he'll be gone soon enough.

 

 

 

After another harried text exchange with Youngjae about the business assignment, Mark finishes changing and heads towards the pool.

 

He's glad he gets to spend his last hours in the only place he feels calm. Being with Jaebum doesn't even make Mark feel as serene because when they’re together, he's trying to smother his racing heart and traitorous mind that tells him he's running out of time with the one person he loves. And in his normal life, Mark feels as though he spends every second wading through water—it's as if all of his movements are blocked by some kind of resistance, but he still has to fight through it and keep going, lest someone ask him what's wrong. Maybe that's why Mark is such a good swimmer; he has enough practice in his day-to-day as it is.

 

This practice is one of the best ones Mark has ever had.

 

He finishes his laps in record times and Jinyoung doesn't spend the entire two hours shooting daggers at him from across the pool or muttering comments under his breath.

 

It's perfect.

 

Except for when Mark is getting ready for his individual practice after the team is finished.

 

He checks his phone and sees his entire screen flooded with texts and missed calls from Jackson. He wishes Jackson would just give up on him. Mark isn't worth this. Jackson can do better. Jackson _deserves_ better. He unlocks his phone so that all of the notifications disappear, then promptly locks it again. He presses the heel of his hands into his eyeballs and _breathes_ , trying to recollect himself.

 

In this time, his phone comes alive with the sound of a new text message. A couple of heartbeats later, Mark warily reaches for his phone and checks what it says. 

 

It’s Jaebum. It’s Jaebum asking if Mark wants to play Overwatch later tonight.

 

The offer is tempting, so incredibly tempting. A peaceful night in with Jaebum—air filled with laughter as they make stupid mistakes while playing the video game and that laughter turning into recounted memories, then talks about aspirations and concerns and nothing and everything all at once—sounds absolutely idyllic.

 

Mark’s fingers hover over the keyboard as he thinks about his response.

 

He wants it like a dream. He wants one last night with Jaebum, one last hanging-out-enjoying-each-other’s-presence night with his best friend. He types out, “yeah sounds good, see you in a few” but quickly erases the text.

 

If he indulges himself with this night, he’ll be too weak to do what he knows he needs to do, for Jaebum and for everyone else he’s ever met. Seeing Jaebum one last time will weaken Mark’s resolve, will ruin Mark’s careful planning. Jaebum has always been Mark’s biggest weakness. It was always Jaebum who took Mark’s opinions and desires to heart, like every time he asked a group of friends what to eat, and ignored everyone else’s requests in favor of Mark’s. It was always Jaebum who guided Mark’s face to the crook of his neck, rubbing soothing circles against Mark’s back as he cried. It was always Jaebum who made Mark feel heard, important, special, when everywhere else Mark turned, he was told he wasn’t enough.

 

In turn, Mark tried to be everything he thought Jaebum needed. He was there when Jaebum produced his first song, offering encouragement and ideas when Jaebum had nobody else to turn to because nobody else understood. He was there to calm down Jaebum’s anger every time Jaebum felt that the world was treating him or someone he loved unfairly, but didn’t know how to deal with it besides getting into petty fights. He was there to clean the cuts and scrapes and press frozen vegetables and ice packs to the bruises that had yet to form on Jaebum’s skin whenever Jaebum’s parents were in a bad mood.

 

They’ve been with each other through almost everything, and it’s because of their friendship that Mark has been planning tonight. It’s all for Jaebum, to help him in the future because nothing else will.

 

So as much as Mark wants to see Jaebum one last time, he can’t. He types out, “can’t I’m staying back late to practice” and presses send. When he sees that the message has been delivered, Mark exhales a shaky breath and a few loose tears escape from his eyes.

 

Mark doesn’t even bother looking at the response that comes quickly after. It doesn’t matter.

 

He heads back towards the pool and dives into the water. He swims laps, letting the rhythmic strokes of his arms and the steady kicking of his legs lull him into a state of tranquility. Mark thinks about the bottle of pills swathed between his shorts and a sweater in his gym bag and the tranquility grows. He remembers the happiest moments of his life as he swims (Jaebum cheering for Mark when he wins his very first important swim competition, Jaebum and Mark getting accepted into the same university, the pure joy etched into Jaebum’s face when he joined his music producing crew, Jaebum and Mark stargazing from the roof of a car at night during a roadtrip, falling asleep and waking up to Jaebum’s face).

 

Suddenly, the lights of the pool shut off.

 

Mark stops swimming, confused. The pool lights are never off. He makes his way towards one of the sides of the pool and lifts himself up, calling, “Hello? Is anyone there?”

 

He doesn’t get a verbal response.

 

Instead, he feels something very hard strike against the back of his head and then, before he has time to even cry out, Mark is falling.

 

Vaguely, from the part of his brain that isn’t losing consciousness, Mark registers the splash of his body re-entering the pool and the fact that he’s face-first in the water, won’t be able to breathe, and soon, he’ll die here. How fitting.

 

As his world fades to black, the last face Mark sees is Jaebum’s and the last thing Mark thinks is, “ _I love you, Im Jaebum, and I’m so sorry._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WASN’T RESPONSIBLE FOR MARK’S DEATH THIS TIME OKAY IT WAS ALL THE GAME’S STORYLINE!!
> 
> i want to apologize for the way this turned out tbh…. maybe bc i was trying to write it while on vacation, but i feel like i haven’t fully explained everything or delved into the emotions enough, yet at the same time i really wanted to get this out/finished :( i feel like i haven’t given the storyline or the original idea justice ;~;
> 
> anyways, my dramatic ass came up with this as a backstory for mark and i’m really sorry for how dark it is and if i portrayed any mental illnesses inaccurately and if it was triggering in any way that i didn’t already mention (if so, please let me know and i’ll make sure to update the tags!!)
> 
> also the translation for the lyrics of “Fade Away” that i looked at is here if anyone’s interested


	3. post.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some context for people who didn’t play or follow the game: the murderers ended up being jj project with jaebum planning everything and jinyoung doing the dirty work

Jinyoung shuts the door to their dorm room. It’s been a long night for him, after carrying out the plan and sitting through questioning for what seemed like hours on end.

 

As soon as Jinyoung’s shoes are off, Jaebum offers Jinyoung some coffee, which Jinyoung gratefully accepts.

 

They sit there, sipping their drinks, not really talking, until Jinyoung wonders, “Do you regret it?”

 

Jaebum looks up, thinking.

 

 

 

He remembers that night five months ago, Mark, drunk and reeking of weed, leaning heavily on his shoulder. Jaebum knew he shouldn’t have let Mark drink this much, and become crossed to top it all off, but he always had a hard time saying no to his best friend, especially when Mark pulled his lips to a pout and whined at Jaebum to let him have “Just one more drink pleeaasseee! I’m not even that drunk! I’ll just smoke it off!” amidst fits of giggles. Even shitfaced, Mark seemed to know that he had Jaebum wrapped around his little finger and would do anything, absolutely anything, for him.

 

Jaebum finally manages to lug Mark through the threshold of his room, dumping his friend unceremoniously onto his bed. Mark curls up into his blankets, and Jaebum feels his heart flutter at the sight. He leaves briefly to find a bottle of water and when he comes back, he coaxes Mark to drink it all.

 

Although Mark protests the whole time, Jaebum gets him to drink all of the water—minus the drops racing each other down Mark’s chin from the corner of his mouth. Jaebum shakes his head in amusement as he uses his sleeve to pat away the droplets. Satisfied, Jaebum walks over to his closet to grab the spare change of clothes he’s dubbed “Mark’s Messy Nights Attire” (clothes that are now too small on Jaebum, but hang loosely on Mark’s thin frame).

 

“Have you ever wondered what it’d be like to be dead?” Mark asks out of nowhere.

 

The sudden question causes Jaebum to trip over his own feet as he makes his way over to his bed in the darkness.

 

“W-What?” Jaebum stutters, confused. He sits on the edge of the bed, getting ready to wrestle Mark into the clothes in his lap as he’s done so many times before.

 

“Because I have,” Mark continues, as if Jaebum didn’t even speak, “and I think that everyone would be better off.”

 

Jaebum has successfully peeled Mark’s sweat-soaked shirt from his body and has nearly put the shirt on properly—Jaebum really thinks that Mark should shower, but he knows by now that any attempts would be futile—when he stills at the words coming out of Mark’s mouth.

 

“Mark,” Jaebum’s throat feels dry and his heart is hammering nervously, “what on earth are you talking about?”

 

“Think about all the people I hurt, Jaebum-ah. I’m hurting Jackson every day, half the people I’ve ever met hate me because they’re always compared to me, but I have to keep scoring well because if I don’t, I’ll hurt my parents. I already can’t be the son they want me to be, no matter how hard I try. I want to make myself go away, Jaebummie. I want to die because then I’d stop hurting you, too.”

 

Jaebum’s heart stops. His thoughts are racing at everything Mark has just said. Jaebum knows that Mark knows how he’s perceived around campus. Mark isn’t stupid. And he's always been incredibly observant; the people who envy Mark and hate him for his accomplishments don’t even bother hiding their distaste from him; they paint it all over their faces. But Jaebum never knew how much it bothered Mark—strong, unwavering Mark who radiates confidence and perseverance. Jaebum doesn’t understand how Mark is hurting Jackson, of all people (he sees the way Jackson looks at Mark and it’s the way Jaebum would look at Mark every second of every day, if he could), or how Mark could possibly be a disappointment to his parents.

 

The thing Jaebum understands the least is how Mark _knows_. He’s never mentioned to Mark why his parents hit him, no matter how hard Mark presses, because Mark is good and kind and pure and he would surely blame himself. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, though. Jaebum loves Mark too much to place the fault of his parents’ abuse onto his best friend. Truthfully, the thing about Mark that hurts Jaebum the most is that Mark will never, _ever_ love Jaebum the way Jaebum loves Mark. Jaebum can’t ever stop thinking about Mark—he composes for Mark, he studies to be closer to Mark, he started playing Overwatch for Mark, he cracks stupid jokes and pulls dumb faces to make Mark happy—but every time he does, there’s a pinprick to his heart because Mark will never feel the same. Mark is too good for him; Mark deserves better than him; and Mark shouldn’t be burdened by the weight of Jaebum’s feelings so they are a secret Jaebum will carry to his grave.

 

“You can’t mean that, Mark. Tell me you don’t mean what I think you mean,” Jaebum pleads. He’s shoved the rest of the shirt onto Mark’s body and is gripping his best friend’s shoulders, shaking Mark a little when he doesn’t respond.

 

Mark’s smile is sad and defeated, “Of course I mean it. Although, now that I think about it, you should be the one to kill me, Jaebummie.”

 

Jaebum jolts from his bed, furious and in shock, “What the hell, Mark! I would _never_ do that to you! I couldn’t do that to you! You don’t mean this. You don’t mean any of this! You’re just drunk and high and-”

 

“It would be so poetic,” Mark cuts Jaebum off, “since I’m the root of all your pain, anyways. It would be like poetic justice.”

 

He sounds so wistful, so startlingly sober, and so adamant about the fact that Jaebum should kill him that Jaebum hesitates to object again. He knows Mark can’t be sober, though; sober Mark would never disclose any of this to any living person. Hell, even _smashed_ Mark wouldn’t do this. But whatever stage-of-inebriation-Mark this is, he’s willing to tell Jaebum his deepest secrets and desires. Jaebum has to listen.

 

“Y-You’re serious?” Jaebum wonders with a quavering voice.

 

Mark nods his head solemnly, “I wish you would do this. I _need_ you to do this. I deserve to die and I’ve hurt you the most out of anyone in this world. I’m so sorry for that, Bummie, but I can’t stop, so the only way I can no longer cause you pain is if I’m no longer alive. You get that, don’t you? You understand, right? You should be the one to kill me.”

 

Jaebum’s heart is breaking into a million pieces; he tries, one last time, “You haven’t hurt me, okay? It’s all my stupid fault. You _don’t_ deserve to die, Mark! You-”

 

“I do. I know you’re lying. Promise me,” Mark demands, face cloudy, “promise me that you’ll be the one to kill me. It has to be you.”

 

Jaebum wants to protest, he wants so badly to talk Mark out of this idea, but he recognizes the finality in Mark’s voice, the determined set of Mark’s jaw, and the fiery glint in Mark’s eyes that tell him he’s lost the battle. He knows that if he doesn't do as Mark asks, Mark will only disappear later, without any warning at all. Jaebum doesn't think he would be able to handle it.

 

Crestfallen, Jaebum answers, “Okay. I'll do it. I promise you.”

 

Mark nods his head, pleased. He lays his head down on Jaebum’s pillow and passes out, a content smile on his face.

 

Jaebum kisses Mark’s forehead and—just because he can't help himself, because he doesn't think he'll ever get the chance to if not for right now—ghosts his lips over Mark’s. He crawls into bed by Mark’s side, wraps his arm around Mark’s waist, pulls Mark so that his back is flush against Jaebum’s chest, inhales the scent of his best friend, and prays he can fall asleep soon.

 

Mark wakes up the next morning and doesn’t remember a word of what he said, instead groaning about a massive hangover and complaining about the fact that he blacked out. But Jaebum would never forget what Mark told him. He has remembered every word that Mark has ever said. Jaebum isn't sure if he knows how he could possible live in a world that doesn't have Mark by his side, but he would do anything, absolutely anything, for Mark.

 

 

 

“No,” Jaebum finally answers, “no, I don’t regret it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's it!! hope you liked it and feel free to talk to me on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/rewindmp3) (@rewindmp3)!!


End file.
